


The Shadow

by roguefaerie



Series: Queer, Trans and Disability-Themed Faerie Tales and Other Writings: Expressions [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Gen, Mythology - Freeform, References to Norse Religion & Lore, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2020-08-11 10:51:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20152423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguefaerie/pseuds/roguefaerie
Summary: An introductory work on the intersection of spirituality and trans identity. (See author's notes)





	The Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> A collection of queer fary tales has been a life goal of mine for almost as long as I can remember. In the end it has turned out fine for me that pulling them together has taken me this long, because I needed to be further along in my journey as a queer and trans person before they could come together with anything close to the right amount of clarity. When I first envisioned them, I took a ton of notes but didn’t have any follow-through. Then I told my best friend I was working on them as a life goal but still that wasn’t enough accountability to pull anything together and I could not figure out why. 
> 
> Finally it was coming into myself as an unapologetically transgender person that lit a fire underneath me and has helped me pull together these works, as well as the further accountability granted by exchanges. I’m extremely deadline-driven, and only the works with a queer and/or trans fairy tale motif will be included in this series. However, to illustrate where I have been in the past I thought it most pertinent to include at least one or two other trans-themed writings that I have attempted at other points in my life as well as related works when appropriate. 
> 
> The first chapter of this series will be my first written work on my experience of transness. I have moved forward from this point but this is where it all began when it comes to the creative written word on my experience. This serves as an introduction along with the related works.
> 
> With my greatest appreciation to the Norse for showing me who a god could be and all of the ways it was possible to be accepted for who one is.

There is a shadow in the corner of the room. When you look at it closely it resolves into the form of a human, expanding and contracting sometimes but never really leaving. It lives there. You get used to it, and sometimes it’s a little strange, other times comforting, other times its existence just lives in the back of your mind like a question mark. Peer at it and just think… ‘?’

It stays there for years, sometimes melting back into the wall, sometimes evident enough to look like it could contain a whole crowd. Three’s a crowd, right?

Sometimes it’s even there in dreams.

Floating right out of the corner and into your mind, into a quiet space there, and then it just sits.

You try not to think about it. You’re thinking about things that are happening to your body that will but shouldn’t. Things that you thought would make you feel big, but when they’re finally here there’s nothing left to feel but wrong.

_It’s okay_, the shadow says without words. Or someone does. Something does. But maybe it’s coming out of the shadow. Maybe it is, because the shadow is still there. It’s always there. Right in the corner.

_You’re okay. It’s okay._

Right. Sure. Your body--the body--feels like a murder scene is unfolding. If this is okay you don’t want to see what bad is.

_It’s okay, you’re just one of us._

One of us.

Hm. Well, okay. Maybe.

You find a name in a book.

Loki.

Loki doesn’t have a static body, or a static gender, or a static anything. Sometimes Loki becomes a horse.

It’s a trick. It’s always a trick. At least where Loki’s concerned.

Yes. That’s probably what life is, after all.

It’s the only thing that makes sense when you look in the mirror. 

Shadows are tricks of the light, aren’t they?

It’s still there. It’s always been there.

Three in one.

_Harness the lightning_, the shadow says. _Sometimes I wear a dress_. It makes its voice rough, and you decide that’s for a purpose. Is it smiling? The freaking shadow?

Why not?

You stare into the mirror and ruminate, trying to see someone else but knowing you won’t.

When you go back into your room, all the colors wrong, the shadow says, Don’t lose your arm for this. I know someone who did that once. I mean, you can if you want. You’re still one of us.

_One of us._

Sure. Okay. You’re one of nobody. Life is a trick. A joke, but a bad one. Something that hurts. All the time.

_You can meet him if you want. We can bring him here. There are already a bunch of us here._

Um.

No, you tell the shadow. This is enough already.

But the shadow has always been there. You don’t want it--them--to get upset. Maybe later.

_Maybe later_, it agrees.

It never leaves. It follows, sitting quietly in the right front corner even when you change rooms. Even when you go away to school. Even at your twenty-first birthday.

_Have you heard of mead? There’s someone who wants to meet you_, it says. _You said maybe later._

Maybe later what? What is this thing talking about? What is it about? Why is it still there? It’s _still there_.

It doesn’t answer.

You drink white wine with your school buddies to celebrate. You’re fancy today.

When you get back to your room the shadow isn’t a shadow anymore. But when you see who’s there, you feel a rush of happiness. You always knew they were coming, all four of them.

Your old friends.

_Happy birthday. _

You smile. Why wouldn’t you?

_Now begin your studies. We need to teach you of Valhalla._

But you already know. You have known war for a long time.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [On Being a Transformer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14549517) by [roguefaerie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguefaerie/pseuds/roguefaerie)
  * [Tinker Bell](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11342808) by [roguefaerie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguefaerie/pseuds/roguefaerie)


End file.
